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Charity, Christianity, LDS, Progress

Teaching a Man to Fish

I have sat in church so many times where the topic is on charity. How do we give and hopefully, how do we receive, is discussed.  In almost every class I have attended someone uses the phrase:

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

This is then often expounded on by class members on why just showing up to give people things or help can actually be hurtful to that person.

I. CALL. FOUL. 

This reasoning never sat well with me. Sometimes I have fallen victim to using this mentality, myself, as an excuse to not extend my hand. Though I did believe that when people don’t actively work for things, they could become complacent, this idea that we should use this phrase as an excuse to cop out of helping others just doesn’t seem too Christian.

Teaching Takes More Work

The phrase “teach a man to fish…” is often twisted into the idea that people just need to buck up and do for themselves. Part of ‘teaching’ becomes just telling someone they need to do X, Y, Z and then they will be good.

But, let’s consider what it actually takes to teach another person to fish.

I am no expert on fishing, but there are many steps to teaching another person to be a fisherman. It is a time-intensive process. You have to prepare the tackle and the rods, then explain about how fish are attracted to different bait. The rod has to be discussed on how to put the line on the rod, how to cast, if weights are needed, and on and on. Finally, after the minute mechanics are taught, then casting becomes the next item. Where to cast, how to read the river, fish behavior at different times of day… Do you see where I am going with this?

It is actually EASIER to give a man a fish than to teach him how to fish. 

Teaching someone to fish, especially to the point of self-sustainment, takes time, care, and dedication.  It is more than the transfer of knowledge. You stand with that person and guide them. And do you know what happens when you are that invested in another person? You begin to truly know them and love them. You begin to understand their hardships and perhaps that they did the best they could in the situation they had. You begin to be less judgemental and instead begin to encourage them.

Christ taught this way. He took time for the One. 

I don’t claim to know what helping others should look like. I think how we help those around us is as diverse as there are individual people. I know that as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I committed to God that I would do everything in my power to use my talents to help people. Right now in my life, that mostly looks like investing my time with my children while being a listening ear and sounding board for people I meet along my journey in this life.

But I constantly need to check-in with myself and be honest if my efforts align with this concept of teaching others to fish in whatever way I am able. I am not sure that I am doing that to the best of my ability, but I am going to try my hardest to not use that phrase as an excuse to turn my back on helping those I can.

 

Thank you to my mama for talking this concept through with me. You are a woman who has shown me what it means to be a Disciple of Christ who serves quietly.

 

Charity, Christianity, LDS

On Holding Space

Humans of New York photo

“We told her to sit with us so we could share her sadness.” (Dohuk, Iraq)

A couple years ago, while still living in Oregon, I learned what it was like to have friends and church members hold space for me. From what I can gather, most people assumed my life was going just fine. I had 3 little kids, looked happily married, and served in a leadership calling within the women’s organization at my church.

 

The pain that comes from realizing that I had to get a divorce felt physical. As I went to my church during this time, it was difficult to contain my emotions when I had to repeatedly tell people when they mentioned my spouse, that we were no longer living together.

The overwhelming majority of people who I talked to with tears in my eyes (and I’m not a crier… so this was a bit unnerving too, I’m sure!) held space for me. What did that look like?

-They empathized in their words by saying, “I’m so sorry” and often apologized saying that ‘they didn’t know’.

-They offered me hugs. Even as a normally not-so-huggy person– I needed these hugs. They were present in their embracing me.

-They placed themselves between me and anyone passing so that I would not be a spectacle for on-lookers. Maybe that is not what everyone needs, but as a fairly private person, this was very kind.

-They didn’t ask invasive questions. They realized that the details were really not their business.

-They genuinely asked what they could do to help– or offered something outright that they knew they could do.

-They didn’t ask the “what’s next” questions. They were emotionally mature enough to realize that the very moment I was dealing in was enough. Plus– again– not really their business.

-They buffered other’s callousness for me. Like the time my very good friend turned down me giving a talk for me. When the man asked, “do you make her decisions for her?”  My friend looked him dead in the eyes and said something similar to, “yes, I do, and she is NOT giving a talk.”

The biggest thing is when people didn’t try to troubleshoot or solve the issues with me. People who are so close to my heart, emphasized their knowledge that I have it in me to figure the situation out and what my next move would be. They acknowledged that this piece of life is hard. They were present in the moment I was currently in.

Another good friend of mine was teaching a lesson in the women’s church class. She had said that her lesson was a bit different that anticipated. She talked about being valiant. The definition she found was:

-Hold fast to the Savior

-Be Bold

-Possessing or showing courage or determination

She cited Acts 9:6: Lord what wilt thou have me do.

Then she stated, “sometimes the most valiant we can be is to step aside and say ‘no more’ no matter how it looks.”

I then proceeded to go from tearful to stifling all-out-crying. When she was done teaching, she gave me the biggest hug and cried with me. This moment always reminds me of the photograph at the top.

We can do this as friends, neighbors, and as Christians. Holding space for people in our circles looks just like, “Mourning with those who mourn.” and “Standing to comfort those”.

We all struggle. Every last one of us. Let’s try to change the influence we have on others by acknowledging the toughness of life. I truly believe that as I have better understood the difficulties and accept them as part of life, that I have been able to experience much more joy.

May we all hold space for one another.