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Happy Right Now
I saw this image back in August created by @mariandrew.
I heart it so much.
Though the no socks with shoes thing is icky.
P.S. In case you are not aware, this does not mean I hate men. Wanting men and women to have equal footing doesn’t seem like an unreasonable pursuit. If you need further clarification on my understanding on the roles of males and females, feel free to have a conversation with me.
Dating Disasters, Happy Right Now, Laughing at Myself, Single Mama
Minor Dating Disasters | Laughing at Myself
A few years ago, a friend of mine, who has kids the same age, and I were hanging out for a little play date. During our attempts at conversation we both realized two things:
- We had both, at times, slurred our speech
- We both stared off into space in silence with our eyes glazed over
We had a good laugh about how we were both exhausted from sleepless nights of children waking us up and that neither of us noticed the other’s zombie-like state.
We were zombie-friends
Now, picture me a couple years past this, but with a little boy who is still waking me up all night because of chronic ear infections.
Me attempting to look awake. I sent this picture to my cosmetologist at her request.
A single mom dating.
There was one set of dates in particular where I had just a few hours of solid sleep a night for weeks. Then the night before the date, just 2-3 hours.
I am laughing just thinking about my attempt to engage in delightful conversation. There was a loss of train of thought, over talking, and probably some slurring of words.
To the man’s credit, he was incredibly gracious. We went on more dates, so perhaps my charming personality carried through a bit?! Ha!
Thankfully, these extreme sleepless nights haven’t happened since Spring.
And hopefully I didn’t just jinx it.
Dear Amy,
I found you this year. I used to say that you were lost, but in reality, you were always there. Under a bunch of muck, but you were there.
I found you in the dreams, which were really old dreams. This time around, though, you have wisdom and some kick-ass executive functioning skills. That means these dreams are going to be reality in just a short period time.
I found you in the mountains of Idaho. On a snowmobile where you remembered that your need for speed is intense. You flipped your snowmobile, broke your phone and laughed about it all weekend. Because that’s what kind of person you are. That loud hum on that snowmobile with white all around was cathartic. You found a few like-minded people who brought out the silliness, intense conversation, and throw down fun side, all in negative degree weather. It was solidified that the joy you find in life is driving the machine, not sitting on the back or on the sidelines.
I found you in Utah. Where you danced. A lot. I would say all night, but that fun lasted well into the morning hours. You remembered how good it feels to just move to music and dance with joy. It was freeing to just move.
I found you in Portland, where everything looked even more green and vibrant than in the past. You drank up every last experience at Multnomah Falls and the ocean. Running and playing with the kids on the beach, even in sideways rain, felt like life. Continuously not wearing makeup at the coast for the sole purpose of looking heavenwards so that you could remember the moment when you returned back to the desert.
I found you during girl’s nights with women who have walked with you, supported you, and cried with you. They know your soul and still love you. Those are the best sorts of people to laugh with all evening.
You were there in the hard choices that have happened. But they were your choices. And you owned them as a path to an even better future.
You were there at the ocean. Where you learned to surf and snorkel. The love of the water is intense, even if you did end up puking off the ferry.
You were there during hard conversations where you developed your opinions and declared to yourself that you will not be living an ordinary life. Not that there is a thing wrong with and ordinary sort of life, it’s just never fit well on your skin.
And you have always existed wherever there is loud music and a vehicle to dance in.
May your past serve as a reminder that the best way to be a mother, sister, daughter, and friend is to stay true everyday to the nature you were born with. Always listen to your first voice.
July 8th. It’s my birthday.
I am all about celebrations. I have gotten carried away more times than I can count on inviting people, only to end up cooking from scratch for 30-60 people.
I truly love it
As I get older, I find myself seeking out time to contemplate more on my own birthday than my usual extroverted-party-loving nature. A lot of times I go to the temple alone, maybe quietly sit at a cafe, and make some goals.
This year, I have enough goals I am actively working on that it would not be helpful to add more to the list. I have been running over in my mind all the change I have been through in the past year: divorce, selling my house (#3), letting go of my first home, moving into my first house where I am not living with other adults (roommates, family, spouse), completing more websites, elevating my skills, and busting out who-knows-how-many credits for school. This list makes me determined to keep moving forward.
There were some super fun firsts this year
I found out that I actually enjoy living alone (ya know, if ‘alone’ means with 3 small children!) Recently, I went surfing, snorkeling, and puked off a ferry for the first time! (I swear it wasn’t only me!)
Earlier this year I went snowmobiling in Island Park and found out that I absolutely love it. But it involves an engine and going fast, so it was sort of a given that I would love it. In fact, before the trip my mama called me and asked me to please consider not going to fast so that I come home in one piece because she knows I love speed. And then I flipped the machine.
After being a teen and young adult that snowboarded and white water rafted all the time, it was time to try some new things.
There were some reawakenings too. I still love to dance! And attend cultural events! I’ve started writing more and loving the clarity it gives me.
I have found myself getting more firmly planted in knowing exactly who I am and what I want. I have solidly come to terms with the idea that I can be both a feminist and orthodox LDS. Moving forward to what I want has led to me getting pretty focused on my path and I have had to learn to say no, a lot. Which I hate, because I like to be involved in everything. I have also realized that no matter how much life continues to force me into patience, I will still tap my foot impatiently.
I’ve learned that self-care is essential. I have learned that people are amazing and fundamentally good. Though I get wrapped up in the steps it will take to get to my goals right now, my long game is always optimism.
Last year was the year of change. Year 31 is going to be more change and some serious forward movement.
It’s going to be a great year.
Today I was given the gift of contentment and joy. As I was making Emily’s bed and talking with her, the boys were laughing and clamoring to take baths. Emily then was wanting to take a bath in the other room. As they have played and bounced around this morning I have felt gratitude and joy for my life. I am blessed to have my children and that I get to watch their spunkiness. A week ago I discovered that Lucas has begun to draw people as circles with legs. I was so excited to see this developmental milestone. It was also a reminder that as much as I call him my baby, he is getting older. I am grateful that in the midst of pursing big goals, Heavenly Father touches my heart as a reminder to look around me in the here and now.