“We told her to sit with us so we could share her sadness.” (Dohuk, Iraq)
A couple years ago, while still living in Oregon, I learned what it was like to have friends and church members hold space for me. From what I can gather, most people assumed my life was going just fine. I had 3 little kids, looked happily married, and served in a leadership calling within the women’s organization at my church.
The pain that comes from realizing that I had to get a divorce felt physical. As I went to my church during this time, it was difficult to contain my emotions when I had to repeatedly tell people when they mentioned my spouse, that we were no longer living together.
The overwhelming majority of people who I talked to with tears in my eyes (and I’m not a crier… so this was a bit unnerving too, I’m sure!) held space for me. What did that look like?
-They empathized in their words by saying, “I’m so sorry” and often apologized saying that ‘they didn’t know’.
-They offered me hugs. Even as a normally not-so-huggy person– I needed these hugs. They were present in their embracing me.
-They placed themselves between me and anyone passing so that I would not be a spectacle for on-lookers. Maybe that is not what everyone needs, but as a fairly private person, this was very kind.
-They didn’t ask invasive questions. They realized that the details were really not their business.
-They genuinely asked what they could do to help– or offered something outright that they knew they could do.
-They didn’t ask the “what’s next” questions. They were emotionally mature enough to realize that the very moment I was dealing in was enough. Plus– again– not really their business.
-They buffered other’s callousness for me. Like the time my very good friend turned down me giving a talk for me. When the man asked, “do you make her decisions for her?” My friend looked him dead in the eyes and said something similar to, “yes, I do, and she is NOT giving a talk.”
The biggest thing is when people didn’t try to troubleshoot or solve the issues with me. People who are so close to my heart, emphasized their knowledge that I have it in me to figure the situation out and what my next move would be. They acknowledged that this piece of life is hard. They were present in the moment I was currently in.
Another good friend of mine was teaching a lesson in the women’s church class. She had said that her lesson was a bit different that anticipated. She talked about being valiant. The definition she found was:
-Hold fast to the Savior
-Be Bold
-Possessing or showing courage or determination
She cited Acts 9:6: Lord what wilt thou have me do.
Then she stated, “sometimes the most valiant we can be is to step aside and say ‘no more’ no matter how it looks.”
I then proceeded to go from tearful to stifling all-out-crying. When she was done teaching, she gave me the biggest hug and cried with me. This moment always reminds me of the photograph at the top.
We can do this as friends, neighbors, and as Christians. Holding space for people in our circles looks just like, “Mourning with those who mourn.” and “Standing to comfort those”.
We all struggle. Every last one of us. Let’s try to change the influence we have on others by acknowledging the toughness of life. I truly believe that as I have better understood the difficulties and accept them as part of life, that I have been able to experience much more joy.
May we all hold space for one another.
You were there at the ocean. Where you learned to surf and snorkel. The love of the water is intense, even if you did end up puking off the ferry.
