Browsing Tag

Healing after divorce

Crater Lake, amywearsblack.com, Amy Mueller

Finding Amy

Dear Amy,

I found you this year. I used to say that you were lost, but in reality, you were always there. Under a bunch of muck, but you were there.

I found you in the dreams, which were really old dreams. This time around, though, you have wisdom and some kick-ass executive functioning skills. That means these dreams are going to be reality in just a short period time.

I found you in the mountains of Idaho. On a snowmobile where you remembered that your need for speed is intense. You flipped your snowmobile, broke your phone and laughed about it all weekend. Because that’s what kind of person you are. That loud hum on that snowmobile with white all around was cathartic. You found a few like-minded people who brought out the silliness, intense conversation, and throw down fun side, all in negative degree weather. It was solidified that the joy you find in life is driving the machine, not sitting on the back or on the sidelines.

I found you in Utah. Where you danced. A lot. I would say all night, but that fun lasted well into the morning hours. You remembered how good it feels to just move to music and dance with joy. It was freeing to just move.

I found you in Portland, where everything looked even more green and vibrant than in the past. You drank up every last experience at Multnomah Falls and the ocean. Running and playing with the kids on the beach, even in sideways rain, felt like life. Continuously not wearing makeup at the coast for the sole purpose of looking heavenwards so that you could remember the moment when you returned back to the desert.

I found you during girl’s nights with women who have walked with you, supported you, and cried with you. They know your soul and still love you. Those are the best sorts of people to laugh with all evening.

You were there in the hard choices that have happened. But they were your choices. And you owned them as a path to an even better future.

You were there at the ocean. Where you learned to surf and snorkel. The love of the water is intense, even if you did end up puking off the ferry.

You were there during hard conversations where you developed your opinions and declared to yourself that you will not be living an ordinary life. Not that there is a thing wrong with and ordinary sort of life, it’s just never fit well on your skin.

And you have always existed wherever there is loud music and a vehicle to dance in.

May your past serve as a reminder that the best way to be a mother, sister, daughter, and friend is to stay true everyday to the nature you were born with. Always listen to your first voice.

September 4, 2017 by amywearsblack

Charity, Christianity, LDS

On Holding Space

“We told her to sit with us so we could share her sadness.” (Dohuk, Iraq)

A couple years ago, while still living in Oregon, I learned what it was like to have friends and church members hold space for me. From what I can gather, most people assumed my life was going just fine. I had 3 little kids, looked happily married, and served in a leadership calling within the women’s organization at my church.

The pain that comes from realizing that I had to get a divorce felt physical. As I went to my church during this time, it was difficult to contain my emotions when I had to repeatedly tell people when they mentioned my spouse, that we were no longer living together.

The overwhelming majority of people who I talked to with tears in my eyes (and I’m not a crier… so this was a bit unnerving too, I’m sure!) held space for me. What did that look like?

-They empathized in their words by saying, “I’m so sorry” and often apologized saying that ‘they didn’t know’.

-They offered me hugs. Even as a normally not-so-huggy person– I needed these hugs. They were present in their embracing me.

-They placed themselves between me and anyone passing so that I would not be a spectacle for on-lookers. Maybe that is not what everyone needs, but as a fairly private person, this was very kind.

-They didn’t ask invasive questions. They realized that the details were really not their business.

-They genuinely asked what they could do to help– or offered something outright that they knew they could do.

-They didn’t ask the “what’s next” questions. They were emotionally mature enough to realize that the very moment I was dealing in was enough. Plus– again– not really their business.

-They buffered other’s callousness for me. Like the time my very good friend turned down me giving a talk for me. When the man asked, “do you make her decisions for her?” My friend looked him dead in the eyes and said something similar to, “yes, I do, and she is NOT giving a talk.”

The biggest thing is when people didn’t try to troubleshoot or solve the issues with me. People who are so close to my heart, emphasized their knowledge that I have it in me to figure the situation out and what my next move would be. They acknowledged that this piece of life is hard. They were present in the moment I was currently in.

Another good friend of mine was teaching a lesson in the women’s church class. She had said that her lesson was a bit different that anticipated. She talked about being valiant. The definition she found was:

-Hold fast to the Savior

-Be Bold

-Possessing or showing courage or determination

She cited Acts 9:6: Lord what wilt thou have me do.

Then she stated, “sometimes the most valiant we can be is to step aside and say ‘no more’ no matter how it looks.”

I then proceeded to go from tearful to stifling all-out-crying. When she was done teaching, she gave me the biggest hug and cried with me. This moment always reminds me of the photograph at the top.

We can do this as friends, neighbors, and as Christians. Holding space for people in our circles looks just like, “Mourning with those who mourn.” and “Standing to comfort those”.

We all struggle. Every last one of us. Let’s try to change the influence we have on others by acknowledging the toughness of life. I truly believe that as I have better understood the difficulties and accept them as part of life, that I have been able to experience much more joy.

May we all hold space for one another.

August 27, 2017 by amywearsblack

Birthdays, Happy Right Now, Progress

On Turning 31

July 8th. It’s my birthday.

I am all about celebrations. I have gotten carried away more times than I can count on inviting people, only to end up cooking from scratch for 30-60 people.

I truly love it

As I get older, I find myself seeking out time to contemplate more on my own birthday than my usual extroverted-party-loving nature. A lot of times I go to the temple alone, maybe quietly sit at a cafe, and make some goals.

This year, I have enough goals I am actively working on that it would not be helpful to add more to the list. I have been running over in my mind all the change I have been through in the past year: divorce, selling my house (#3), letting go of my first home, moving into my first house where I am not living with other adults (roommates, family, spouse), completing more websites, elevating my skills, and busting out who-knows-how-many credits for school. This list makes me determined to keep moving forward.

There were some super fun firsts this year

I found out that I actually enjoy living alone (ya know, if ‘alone’ means with 3 small children!) Recently, I went surfing, snorkeling, and puked off a ferry for the first time! (I swear it wasn’t only me!)

Earlier this year I went snowmobiling in Island Park and found out that I absolutely love it. But it involves an engine and going fast, so it was sort of a given that I would love it. In fact, before the trip my mama called me and asked me to please consider not going to fast so that I come home in one piece because she knows I love speed. And then I flipped the machine.

After being a teen and young adult that snowboarded and white water rafted all the time, it was time to try some new things.

There were some reawakenings too. I still love to dance! And attend cultural events! I’ve started writing more and loving the clarity it gives me.

I have found myself getting more firmly planted in knowing exactly who I am and what I want. I have solidly come to terms with the idea that I can be both a feminist and orthodox LDS. Moving forward to what I want has led to me getting pretty focused on my path and I have had to learn to say no, a lot. Which I hate, because I like to be involved in everything. I have also realized that no matter how much life continues to force me into patience, I will still tap my foot impatiently.

I’ve learned that self-care is essential. I have learned that people are amazing and fundamentally good. Though I get wrapped up in the steps it will take to get to my goals right now, my long game is always optimism.

Last year was the year of change. Year 31 is going to be more change and some serious forward movement.

It’s going to be a great year.

July 8, 2017 by amywearsblack

Idaho Sunset, amy wears black, amywearsblack.com, amyemueller.com, snakeriverwebsites.com, Snake River Websites, Idaho Falls Websites, Mormon Blogs, Yoga, single mom, building a business

Progress, Yoga

Thoughts on Progress

Today I went to yoga.

I had not been for week because the kids and I have been so sick and I try to be mindful of not spreading the germ-love.

I used to think that yoga was not for me because my brain goes a mile a minute. I have learned, however, through the past couple years, that perhaps those of us who think this way need it the most. It gives me an opportunity for an hour of self-reflection while working my body. That is also why I love swimming. It is all encompassing and requires all of my focus.

This particular instructor is knowledgeable and kind. I love to listen to the words she has for us for the day. She asks a lot of questions for us to pose to ourselves for self-reflection. Today she posed the concept of coming to the mat to work, but then asking ourselves developing questions of where we are at. Why is this position a struggle, or too easy? Are we engaging all parts of ourselves?

The ultimate goal of these questions aren’t for the yoga class. It is for everyday. I understood better the cycle I am in right now. I have the fire to do the work required of me. It is tough to go to school online for such a technical degree, care for 3 small children who have had a lot of change in their lives, and create websites for small businesses in my free (ha!) time. I am throwing it down when it comes to work. I want this.

But every few weeks I find myself getting down about how many self-reflecting questions I am having of if I am pursing the right direction. And is this really going to work? Is the messiness of my house evidence that I am doing something wrong?

I am beginning to understand that the questions are GOOD! It is the judgement of myself with the questions that is creating the problem. I need to begin embracing the process of having the fire to do the work, settling into that process, asking tough questions, doing some self-reflection, adjusting a bit, then getting back to work. My work will not be as effective in my life with my children, school, or my business unless I allow, without judgement, time for reflection. That reflection is going to create the best adjustments and therefore the best outcome.

It’s all a process.

June 4, 2017 by amywearsblack